“… coming off of Alien and Aliens this movie is dog shit.”

I try to go into movies as unbiased as possible. In the case of Alien 3, I had the voices of many internet users telling me exactly how shitty this movie was before I even pressed play, but I tried my best to silence those voices and look for the good in Alien 3. It didn’t work. Alien 3 is a movie that picks up almost directly after Aliens. Having defeated the alien queen and gone into hyper sleep, it is revealed that there is a mysterious alien egg that managed to planted on the ship (don’t ask me how). Anyway this egg hatches and the ship, realizing that shit is about to go down, takes the cryogenic pods and releases them into space. They, well really only Ripley, land on a prison planet that is full of murderers, rapists, and all around not great guys; but it’s okay because they’re religious now. Anyway that egg hatched and now there is an alien there too. And that’s pretty much the whole movie. I just saved you two hours of your life. You’re welcome.

So like I said, I really did try to find all of the good in Alien 3. I know that the internet (collectively) likes to blow things out of proportion most of the time, so I tried to convince myself that Alien 3 wasn’t as bad as everyone had said. None of that shit worked because this movie was fucking awful. Well, “fucking awful” is a little harsh, but coming off of Alien and Aliens this movie is dog shit. First of all let’s talk about the story. Alien 3 is essentially a re-hash of the first alien, but it differentiates itself by having no likeable characters. Of course Ripley is still there, but literally everyone else is introduced by someone saying “Yeah, these are really bad guys”. I don’t give a fuck if they die, so what are the stakes? I feel like it would have been interesting if Ripley had been stuck on this planet, and literally everyone was trying to kill her. At least then it would switch-up the plot. But instead we get another version of “alien hunts people”, and the fact that everyone is a convict has very little bearing on the plot. Also, Alien 3 was about thirty minutes too long. The beginning of the movie is a lot of set-up and mystery, as if we had already forgotten that the movie is called fucking “Alien 3”. OF COURSE THERE’S GOING TO BE AN ALEIN, GET ON WITH IT! There was also a lot in the middle that could have been cut because it was essentially prisoners going into dark hallways, saying “Huh, what’s that?”, and then getting killed by the alien. That’s cool once or twice, but you didn’t need to devote multiple scenes to what is essentially the same thing. The writing of the film didn’t help any of these points either. Not only were all of the characters despicable humans, but they weren’t even interesting. You could have had these interesting character studies and made us feel for these characters, but instead you give us lines like “I’m a murderer and rapist of women”. It’s a fucking joke. “The Alien franchise is as much about the tech as it is the alien, so why not have this movie take place on a planet with literally no technology”, said some idiot when writing Alien 3. Seriously, half of the fun of the Alien movies is seeing just how intricate the set and costume designers get, but in Alien 3 everyone dresses in fatigues and uses metal pipes as weapons. It’s fucking bland.

“Well none of that shit matters, the movie is called “ALIEN 3” so I only care about the alien”. Well, internet stranger, I hate to be the one to tell you but you are not in luck. The alien in Alien 3 is an absolute fucking joke. Not often do I watch a movie and think “who the fuck approved that?!” but that though popped into my mind multiple times during Alien 3. The CGI, thats right the alien is almost completely CGI, is about on-par with the shitty sci-fi movies that you see in the bargain bins at Walmart. I understand that the alien is a “dog”, and you can’t really have a human play a dog, but then why the fuck did you make it a dog?! If you know that the CGI is going to be shit, just make it another human alien. The close-up shots of the alien, where it was pretty much unrecognizable, were good; I guess there were still some suits left over from Aliens. And it wasn’t just the alien that looked bad, but also stuff like spaceships flying onscreen looked like total ass. I honestly wonder if David Fincher watched the final cut and went “That’ll work”; because if he did I want some of the drugs he was on. Speaking of David Fincher, the only positive thing I can say about Alien 3 pertains to the film’s direction. You could tell that Fincher knew what he was doing when behind the camera, but the issues I have with the film is what was being filmed not how it was being filmed. The last thing I want to talk about is the absolutely terrible editing in Alien 3. Where Aliens went to a more action-oriented feel, Alien 3 tried to being the series back to its horror roots (I guess); the problem I have with this is the editing makes it almost impossible to comprehend what is going on in the movie. I understand that quick cuts add tension to movie scene, but for fucks sake make the cuts longer than half of a second. This movie should come with an epilepsy warning for some of those fucking scenes. Not only did they give me a headache, but I couldn’t fucking tell what was going on. The beginning of the film was an interesting example of this, because the way that it is edited leaves you wondering what the fuck happened for about an hour. I didn’t know who died, I didn’t know who the face hugger attacked, I didn’t know if the face hugger even had a chance to attack (seriously, aren’t they like a “one and done” kind of species?), it was a complete mess. Luckily Alien 3’s best part was toward the end of the movie. You know what they say: Leave the best for last. After all of the shit that I just described Alien 3 did the best thing it could have done: It ended.

Overall Alien 3 is a complete mess of a movie. The writing is terrible, the editing criminal, the CGI is a complete joke; nothing in this movie seems to work. The only “positive” I would give Alien 3 is the directing, but even that was only good sometimes. If you’re a fan of the Alien franchise, or a fan of David Fincher, and are wondering if you should watch this I have one word for you: Absolutelyfuckingnot.

I give Alien 3 a D