“Table 19 exists exactly where it should: at the back of the room, away from everyone’s minds.”

Table 19 is a bad movie. I don’t even want to validate it by writing more, but since I have to talk about my feelings and shit let’s get this out of the way. Table 19 is a movie about Eloise, a girl who gets invited to her best friend’s wedding but is hesitant to go seeing as she just recently broke up with the best man. Keeping this news in mind she is placed at table 19, the location in the wedding that is reserved for the rejects. The movie then tries to make a story out of this, but it doesn’t really work.

So Table 19 has a pretty great cast with people like Anna Kendrick, Lisa Kudrow, Stephen Merchant, and Craig Robinson, but all of these performances have the same thing in common: they were so. fucking. flat. I swear to god every single one of these actors was just as bored during the shooting of this movie as I was while I watched it. And that’s truly saying something because this movie is fucking boring. Literally nothing happens ever. Even the fucking plot synopsis can put you to sleep. “Some people at a wedding who aren’t really connected to the bride or groom in any meaningful way”. Jesus christ, how fucking mundane is that?! And what makes this all even worse (if that was possible) is there is not one likeable character in the fucking movie. You have the annoying lead, the married couple who have legitimate fights constantly, the felon, the blank slate of an old lady, and the horny teenager who thinks he’s hot shit but hangs out with his mom. None of these characters are good, but the movie still acts as though you’ll care about them. It creates these scenarios that are manufactured to pull at your heartstrings, but none of them land because you couldn’t give a shit what happens to anyone in this movie. The best example of this would towards the end of the movie when apparently M. Night Shyamalan took over as director and inserted as many fucking twists as he could (are we still doing M. Night Shyamalan jokes? Is that still considered ‘funny’ and ‘topical’?). And as if it knew that audiences would check out relatively quickly, Table 19 goes the extra mile and puts the climax in the middle of the fucking movie. Then if you don’t want to watch the other 40 minutes of these rapscallions smoking weed and delivering ‘punchlines’ that land about as well as eggs on pavement, you don’t have to. Now I will admit that there were a few moments that made me genuinely laugh, and the soundtrack was pretty killer, but these two things do not a good movie make.

Table 19 exists exactly where it should: at the back of the room, away from everyone’s minds.

I give Table 19 an F