“… it honestly surprises me that didn’t kill the franchise on the spot.”

Ocean’s Twelve. Where do I start with Ocean’s Twelve?

Ocean’s Twelve is interesti— nope, that’s not right.

Ocean’s Twelve is different. Well, that’s not exactly true.

Ocean’s Twelve sucks.

There. That’s the ticket.

Ocean’s Twelve is the sequel to a movie that required no sequel. It is a mess of a a film, and it honestly surprises me that didn’t kill the franchise on the spot. It’s that bad.

I want to first start out with a little bit of praise. There’s not much so bear with me. Ocean’s Twelve is a brilliant absurdist, meta satire that blows most of what was out at the time out of the water. The film features intelligent jokes, crafty narratives, and inventive ways to include the audience and produce the best time possible. The problem is that this is a sequel to a movie about a casino heist. Had the film been released on its own merits I have a feeling it would be more highly regarded, but it didn’t so it’s not.

Honestly I don’t know of a franchise with this much differentiation between the first and second film, not just in quality but also tone and genre. Ocean’s Twelve wanted to try something new, but they were too afraid to let it stand on its own so they tacked the Ocean’s name onto it (which honestly wasn’t that big to begin with). And it’s this drastic shift from the first film that caused the disconnect with the audience. It wasn’t what was expected in the slightest.

And even throwing all of that shit aside, including the absolutely painfully done Julia Roberts scene, Ocean’s Twelve still fucking blows. The plot of the movie is simultaneously all over the place and stagnant. Ocean’s Twelve consistently treads water, leaving you bored out of your gourd until the last 30 minutes when they essentially say “tricked you!” and proceed to let you in on a plan that you had absolutely no way of knowing about. At least the first film gave you clues and made you feel like part of the—

No, you know what? I’m not going to do this. Ocean’s Twelve doesn’t even deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as Ocean’s Eleven. It’s a disgrace to the name, and also to the senses. I understand that art is about trying something new, but that’s based on the pretence that you won’t fuck up the old thing in the mean time.

I give Ocean’s Twelve a D