Halloween III: Season of the Witch Review

“… those dumb bastards want to see Michael Myers, but we’re not going to give it to them.”

So you have a successful horror movie, and then a not-so-successful sequel, so what’s the next logical step? Make a third movie of course! But don’t have it relate in any way to the first two movies becasue that’s what the dumb audience would expect. They go to the theatre and buy a ticket for Halloween III: Season of the Witch and those dumb bastards want to see Michael Myers, but we’re not going to give it to them. Didn’t they see Michael Myers burn to death in the last one? What? They think he’s still alive? Idiots.

So what is this one about?

Uhh— Cyborgs. Yeah, cyborgs are popular in this, the year 1982, so we will make the movie about cyborgs. That’s right, it’s not even going to be scary. That was everyone’s least favourite part about the first two, so this one is going to be like a science-fiction movie. Yes, my ten-year-old son loves those. And it will be about an evil town. Yes, everyone in this town is evil and they all hate the doctor trying to solve the murder. OF COURSE! There was a murder! *ahem* and uh, then this doctor falls in love with a woman! Yes! And she’s young, but not young enough to arouse suspicion, and they have sex. Lots of sex. Completely unprompted too! They just start going at it. Oh, and get this: The first Halloween will be playing on the television in the bar. That’s right the doctor is going to be all cool and drinking beer, and he’s going to see the first Halloween on the television and he’ll throw his beer at it. To really stick it to the audience that this is something different!

You can’t do that.

What? We can’t use the name ‘Halloween’ and have him throw beer at the original movie? Alright, then we’ll just get him to change the channel. Yeah, that’s better anyway; more underhanded.

So what is the story?

Uhhh— masks! kids will wear a mask and then evil and spooky stuff starts to happen!

What kind of stuff? Like they kill people?

What? No! It will be uhh— Snakes! Snakes and bugs will crawl out of their mouths, and then they will kill people.

Snakes? Where do the snakes come from?

Their mouths you fool! It’s magic. From Stonehenge! They steal a block and then it makes snakes appear!

Alright buddy, you’ve got my attention. Now how does it all end?

Well the bad guy, he’s British, turns into stone. And he’s smiling the whole time. And then the main guy, the cool doctor who drinks lots of alcohol and has lots of sex, he tries to stop the evil commercials from turning the masks on and releasing the snakes.

And then?

What do you mean “And then”? That’s it. credits and stuff I guess.

Well does he do it? Does he save the world?

I don’t know. That’s where it ends.

Alright deranged vagrant who ran up to me on the street, you’re hired!

 

 

 

 

I give Halloween III: Season of the Witch a D

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